After a conference with another teacher, the parents of a child in my preschool class came up to me to share some thoughts. They have a boy and a girl (twins) in my room. The other teacher had brought up the fact that the boy likes to wear dresses. She concluded that he wears them because we donÕt have any fancy "boy" dress-up clothes. (If she meant fancy jackets and vests, we do have those.)

This boy dresses up daily in pink dresses and says, "I am a girl. I am Pearl!" I said to his parents, "When _____ dresses up, heÕs not pretending to be a fancy boy. HeÕs pretending to be a girl." I had said what she needed to hear. She let out a sigh of relief, saying, "It seems that with girls, we encourage them to dress up like boys and to play boy-play. But when boys play typical girl-play, we donÕt like it. I think itÕs because we think boys are better."

She went on to say that she was more okay with her sonÕs dressing up than her husband was. So I spoke to the dad, saying, "Parents often have a hard time seeing their boys in dresses. It goes against what we were taught as boys. It also brings up issues of homophobia, like ÔDoes this make him gay?Õ"

The boyÕs father went on to say that the first time he saw his son in a dress; he didnÕt exactly embrace the idea and reacted inappropriately. He also said that he has been quiet about his feelings since the event. He felt like he should be more accepting of his child and that he should let him know. I told him that I am working on my own biases all the time. Both parents were afraid that their sonÕs dressing up would be unacceptable in kindergarten. They told me that they wanted to prepare him for the teasing he will receive.The boyÕs two sisters, one 11 and the other 5, already challenge him to take on the boy role in play.

I suggested using his interactions with his sisters to teach him coping strategies in dealing with peer pressure. These interactions would also teach him to be more assertive. These were perfect opportunities to teach the whole family their values about this issue and for their son to feel supported.

His mother then told me about a boy at their eldest daughterÕs elementary school who says he is a girl and how another parent, who was planning a birthday overnight, told her own daughter that she could invite four girls. The daughter chose three biological girls and this boy. The mother told her daughter that she could not invite the boy because he is a boy. The girl responded by saying, "But Mom, _____ is a girlish boy."

This girl got it!

It dawned on me that my studentÕs mother was also afraid of adults like this parent. I can see where a parent, who knows the hatred and biases adults freely express, would want to stop what they believe to be provocative behavior in their children.

I was glad, however, that there was a child at their elementary school coping with his/her gender. I asked how the school dealt with this child. Were they supportive? The mother said she felt that the school was very supportive. Suddenly, like a sparkü the mother said, "I have to talk with _____Õs [the boy/girlÕs] mom about this."

Our conversation ended with the mother saying, "It doesnÕt matter to me what or who my child grows up to be. I just want him to be happy." I wanted to curl up in that declaration and feel what itÕs like to be so unconditionally loved.

Being clear and honest with these parents and having them see their child as a whole person, despite not quite living up to societyÕs idea of what a boy should be, made this fifteen minute interaction incredibly meaningful and productive.